Once again...

Once again it has been way too long since I've blogged, so those that actually read this I apologize because so much has happened in the last little while so there will be gaps for sure.. But there's one thing inparticular that brings me here today. It's an experience from yesterday. I'll start with a bit of back story. I recently got health insurance, in which I haven't had since I turned 17yrs old, I am now 32.. Well except for a brief period when I was 23, I had insurance through a job but it only lasted 3 months, so I didn't even get to use it. Since I now have insurance, I finally went to the doctor, well the female one, that's where I decided to start. So I went for a yearly exam at this one place and was treated oooo so horribly by the doctor, so I choose to get my records and go somewhere else after that. Going into this process I was already expecting a few issues, and the ones I was expecting I knew how they treated em and already decided to go with what would be reccommended. I have PCOS and a common treatment for that is to take birthcontrol pills, so I decieded to take them despite all the horror stories I've heard, I thought this will be more helpful then hurtful, oh was I wrong. I noticed I began to be really sensative about everything, but it wasn't noticable to the outside eye because I held back and tried to rationalize everything in my head before I over acted. Well that leads to yesterday, THE MOTHER OF ALL MELTDOWNS. I woke up feeling so funny, my insides were shaking and I started crying pretty much as soon as I woke up and it lasted till about 9 pm last night. I felt like I'd never felt before, I was extremely depressed, and etruely felt like I was going crazy... After hearing that phrase for years, working in a psychiatrist office, I always wondered what does it really mean to feel like your going crazy.. Well now I know, and it is not fun, you feel so out of control. I was waiting for the Doctor to call me back, but actually didn't hear back until this morning. Now that I'm caught up on the back story I will touch on what really touched my heart during this horrible horrible experience. My dear sweet boyfriend, texts me everyday before he turns in, and we text for an hour or 2 while I work and he winds down. Well when he texted yesterday, I kept saying to myself keep it together Jennifer, don't let him know that you feel like your seriously loosing it. But alas I'm so not good at holding in things sometimes, so when he asked the 3rd time Dear how are you? I lost it and blurted out I'm going crazy, I'm a horrible person, everyone hates me, I hate me and I want to die.. For those of you that do really know me you know this is so out of my character, cause I don't think I'm a horrible person nor would I ever want to end my life. This whole experience just backed up my therory of thinking that hormones really were created by Satan lol.. His reaction is what touched me so much. Guys often don't understand the things that females go through and they often down play them like it's not a big deal or they try to understand and your like ugh I don't pretend to know what it's like to be hit in the balls please don't pretend to know what it feels like to be a woman...... Anways he didn't do either one of those,instead he does what he always does and goes into team mode. In everything even in our individual stuggles he solves them as us being a team and working them out together. Peoples hearts are spoken to in many different ways but this is something that gets me everytime. Unconditional love is something Ive always been facinated with, and hoped that one day I'd be able to pocess it, never in my wildest dreams did I think someone would actually pocess it towards me. Yesterday I felt more then ever how much that man loves me and I know now more then ever that when he says Jenny Gurl I'll always be here for you, he really does mean it. I'm so happy that in 29 days I can hug him once again...

Expect the Unexpected!

WOWZERS! What a roller coaster! I feel like the theme for this new year so far is expect the unexpected! So many things have been going on lately. I can't even keep up and it's my life. This past weekend was one of the roughest times I've had in a very long time.. Saturday was the parting of my Dutch friend Hein, who I've just so happen to be BONKERS over right now. I don't know if we'll ever be more then friends because of our situation but I do know, this man is my soul mate! He's like a missing puzzel piece! ADORE him I really do!

So there you go, there's one thing I wasn't expecting and it comes with so much emotion! Then stupid Sunday:( I lost two of my favorite people! I haven't been that ready to talk about them, or how I feel but I'm getting there. So I would like to spend some time to talk about them both. One thing I've noticed is that when people pass away or move or something happens, people that knew them talk about how amazing these people were, and all the good things that were, well I believe in keeping it real, so I'm going to talk about those amazing thing and I'm gonna talk about their pain in my butt qualities too. Because honestly I think for both of them it was the not the greatest qualities of theirs that captured my heart the most! So my boy Mike!

Micheal LaMontagne passed away Sunday afternoon, he died in his sleep, not sure the cause of his death but it was so incredably unexpected. I met Mike when I was 16 years old, everyone called him Pinkey, he hated it lol, so I actually never called him that. He thought people were calling him gay lol, but really it was because he had pink skin and LOVED Ketchup, so everyone teased that's why he was pink lol.. When I was 16 there was alot of changes made in my life, one being that I moved away from Memphis and was living with my grandparents whom gained custody of my and my brother. I came back to Memphis alot during on the weekends and spent quite a bit of time with Mike and our mutual friends. LOTS of partying, and I don't wanna get to personal lol but we had a lot of intimant moments! I lost contact with him a few years later. I'd hear updates about him from a mutual friend. Mike had fallen in love with a girl he then dated for 11 + years and had 3 kids with her. At the end of Novemeber Mike and I reconnected on Facebook.com, it was like we never missed a day.. We were instant besties again. We hung out the same day we talked on facebook for the first time in years. I saw him at least once a week after that. I got to spend Christmas Eve with him and his children. Mike was so horrible at text messaging lol, so sometimes I'd go days without hearing from him, he was a hard working man and a very dedicated dad. Mike and I became very fond of each other but discussed neither one of us were interested in a relationship, but we'd be there for each other.. So we hung out every chance we got and would have long chats on the phone filled with laughter. He had one of the best laughs! A few weeks ago he came over to help me with some house projects, there wasn't anything he didn't know how to do.. One thing he was helping me with was my shower, so I was in the bathroom with him handing him tools, and just chattin, when we were done, he walked out first and then I turned to turn out the light and he said hey stay turned around, close your eyes and back up to me, and lift up your hair. I joked and asked oh great your going to choke me aren't you, he laughed and said shhh stop talking lol.. Then he slipped a necklace around my neck.

I looked in the mirror and was taken back by it's beauty! I hugged him and gave him a big kiss, and said thank you. He then said it made me think of you, beacuse you are so beautiful inside and out! I last saw him almost 2 weeks ago, he texted and said hey, I'm taking you to dinner! I said alright! He had been working so much as of late that there was a few things that I had done for him but hadn't had a chance to give to him yet. So when he came I surprised him with a pillow I made him! It had his favorite on it (skulls)

He grabbed it out of my hands and hugged it tight, and carried it around for a good 15 mins lol, it was cute. I also surprised him with a groupon for a massage, since he had been working so hard. We later went to dinner then I went with him to do a job because he was one call, and then we came back home and laid in bed and just talked, laughed and he told me dirty jokes lol! He really honestly was a good person with a big heart. He was always being supportive and silly. I loved making him laugh and smile.. One thing that impressed me the most about him was one time we were talking and he was telling me some crazy stories about a few women he had bumped into, my first reaction was RUN MIKE RUN, he laughed at me and said I know their lives seem so crazy but I know what it's like to battle life so if I can be a smile for someone just by listening or texting a hello I will.. I really admired him for that.. I miss him terribly! Jordon John (My JoJo

To be incredibly honest I may not be ready for this one! May have to dedicate an entire blog post for him later. This man had my heart, he was my best friend. One thing my father taught me when I was young was that in life there will be things you like and things you don't like about everyone you meet, and sometimes those dislikes will out way the likes, but if you focus on the likes then you'll never hate anyone and love everyone, and you'll have the best memories of people.. Honestly if it wasn't for taking my fathers advice all of my life, I wouldn't be friends with half of the people that I am, Jordon included. When I first met Jordon I remember thinking oh man this guy is really pissed off like all the time lol, he had this look on his face like he could spit fire at any moment. And rumor had it that he wasn't very nice to alot of people.. But as I grew to know him I learned alot about him. One he loved loved loved to talk, and just so happens I love to listen so we bonded instantly! But even after growing close to him and spending lots of time with him, I learned that those things I saw at first were still there (they improved over time lol) but it was just apart of him.. But honestly those less then perfect things led me to understand and adore him even more.. I recently went through our text messages and we were funny friends.. He really got my jokes and we'd tease each other constantly..Here's an example lol (Jordan John-NO Im not going to be doing that until after I get back...I still have to finish out my lease Jennifer Shea Kirkland-oh yeah thats right well i miss ya friend Jordan John- yeah same here Jennifer Shea Kirkland-the chappal misses your pimp walk and god father suits Jordan John-haha whatever...I dont have a pimp walk....Im actually tryinn to get a new suit that is just plain. I dont like all of the pinstripes Jennifer Shea Kirkland-well i think they are studly but agree every man should have variety) We must of had a million conversations and a million more'fake dates', that's what we called em... Anyway what I thought would happen already has, I'm crying bucketts. So I'm going to hold off on finishing this one! But I do want to share more about how I see him and how I feel, and mainly about how he was remarkable! Love you JOJO!!!!!!!

Surprises!

Lately I have been on a bit of inward journey. I have found that there is alot of things in my life that I have been forceing.. Since discovering those things and correcting my approach to where it is comfortable for me and what I truely want right now, I feel incredibly free! There has been lots of surprises, one for starters I met a new friend. I adore him to pieces! It has been so much fun to be around someone with a similar humor as mine,someone that makes me laugh constantly and someone that when they look at you, you can see how much they adore you.. No strings attached just a friend that I can hang out with and not worry about what things mean or where it's going! Unfortunatly my new friend is not from this country and leaves Saturday to go home to Holland! That's right my friend came equipt with a sexy accent:) With in the short amount we've known each other, I discovered what it's really like to enjoy the company of someone of the opposite sex lol.. I have realized that I honestly have no desire to marry, I know this is contridictary to my beliefs but it's true.. Marriage has always scared me, and has never been something I've dreamed of. I feel that I have been forcing my self for years to have this desire. After my recent relationship that was leading to marriage ended, I found myself lost, cause I thought I was finally there, finally ready to consider marriage in my life, and I was afraid to lose that desire and feel like a failure or broken again.. But now it is so gone and I am ok with it, I am tired of putting so much pressure on myself to feel a way I don't.. I have absolutely no desire at this point in my life to marry, and it's ok... I have been dating quite a bit lately and have enjoyed every minute of just having fun and meeting new people.. I can't say that I'll never marry, I will stay open to the possiblility but for right now I wanna enjoy my life, and enjoy the people I bump into allong the way! Life is so much fun if we just live it!

What I do know!

Right now in my life, I feel there is a lot that I don't know and a lot that I have conflicting emotions regarding. So I wanted to dedicate this blog post to some things I've recently been thinking about, things I do know.. One thought I've had, and thing that I know is, we were all created in God's image.. Every last one of us, not just those of certain religious backgrounds, but every single one of us.. So we all are of divine nature. I believe it is the choices each one of us makes that will bring out that nature and cause us to be good people. I honestly don't believe it is solely based on religion or worship but on choices. I think all too often we all forget that we were all created the same way, that we all are children of God.. Second thought, confidence is sexy lol.. Believing in and loving yourself is contagious, it's powerful and it's beautiful. I recently wrote a post addressing my thoughts on this, but I'd like to twist it a bit. I believe confidence and loving oneself is also key to adequatly loving others.. In regards to this topic a lot of people say to love others you have to first love yourself, I believe that one can love others and not be completely sure about themselves. But I also believe to be able to give people the love they need you need to love you. If we are always focused inward and on what we're not, we are going to not only miss what the people standing right in front of us are, we are going to miss those precious moments in life that are so easy to overlook.. Third, JUDGEMENT... I think we all judge to a certain exstent. Sometimes it's just the intial shock of something being different then what you expected that makes us judge. I think that's normal but it's how quickly we address that, and about how we approach the differences. The older I get the more I think my hippie roots come out lol.. I say that because I feel like the key to not being judgemental is love. Loving others through anything, and not seeing them for what you think they should be but seeing and loving them for exactly for who they are.. I for one love that I'm in a world where we are all different. I love that we don't have the same challenges, or strengths, talents etc. And my philosphy is so what, so what if SueMarieMack Phillips died her hair pink and got a tatoo lol.. If they are happy and healthy I'm happy for them, if it's something that I think may not be making them happy then I'll be a supportive open minded person and I will always pray for them.. Lastly.. I know that I'm loved, I know that I have a great support team in this life, and I know that this life isn't easy (but it sure is fun).. I know that feeling and being free is important to me, which is why I make the choices that I make. I know that we have so much control on how we let this life effect us. I know that in my life are some extremely beautiful people, I know they have beautiful souls. I know that there is a God, I know that Jesus Christ is the savior of the world.. I know honesty is always the best policy. I know that I have a wonderful family.. And I know that I'm a good person... There's alot that I may not know right now but I am choosing to focus and glory in the known instead of the unknown.. I have a great hope that the unknown will be revealed when I'm ready for it.. Till then CHEERS!

Opinionated Jennifer...

A few months ago my dear sweet roommate came to me and said that she no longer wanted to go to church. She said I understand if this changes things between us. I assured her that it wouldn't, nor would it change how I viewed her and it hasn't. Don't get me wrong I strongly believe in the Gospel and will stand by it always. Through my membership I have seen many people that let the actions of other members affect them, I promised myself that I would never let another members actions or lack of actions affect me, because we are all flawed and imperfect. Most people that leave the church do so because they feel they don't belong, recently I have began to notice that many do treat people differently. Saturday my roomie was contacted by sister missionaries that are new in our ward. She told them they could come over. When they arrived they set and asked us both questions about ourselves, they asked about my callings then asked her about hers. She replied with I don't have any, they said oh we can help you out with that, she then said we'll to be honest I haven't been to church in quite a while. They then asked why, and about a 5 minute akward silence fell after she answered. The silence was broke when there was a knock at the door. My friend had came over so I excused myself to hang out with him. I did come back into the living room periodically as we were preparing to leave, and when I did once I heard one of them saying, this is a war Satan vs God and we all know God's going to win, so why would you pick the loosing side? This bothered me extremely. They told her they loved her and wanted her to make the right choice, but instead of trying to understand her they ridiculed her and tried to manipulate her through guilt/ fear.. After they left I found her crying on the couch. She said that she had been thinking about going back but was reminded by the sisters that she isn't ready. She doesn't see the point of being somewhere when you have to pretend to be something your not. The sisters told her she should just go, and would learn to love being there. I don't really think that's a good answer, I feel like we should do things because we feel it is right. Also after this experience I thought about how single men in the church treat women, how the missionaries often approach others, and just in general how some members treat those that are different and we are seriously anything but charitable. We are taught that we are to live our lives after the example of Christ. Yes we are to be missionaries and to help others, but what is the nature in which we are doing it? I thought about Christ's approach to the Adulterer, He look at her with love, with understanding, not with scorn and disappointment. I just feel there is an awful lot of ways of man that has seeped into Christs church. Jesus Christ is the only perfect person that has ever been on this earth and he didn't treat the sinners, the lost, or the traders like that, so why do we IMPERFECT people see fit to treat anyone any differently or look at them differently. I get that we get sad for others when they are making choices that we feel aren't the best for them, but how do we deal with it? Do we shun em? Do we make them feel like they are lower then ourselves? I firmly believe that at sometime in all of our lives our testimony is going to be less then perfect, we are going to struggle, we are going to ask why, we may even doubt a little, and we sure in the heck are going to sin, have weaknesses, and trials that may lead to bad choices.. So why in the heck do we treat people the way we do. Maybe I'm just being protective, but this is the way I see it. I think we should clear our mind of the who people should be and focus on who they are now and what they can become.. She has came to church with me a few times recently and will go to singles activities,she had been feeling more comfortable as of late.. After the sisters left and my roomie was upset, my friend Mike that was over saw she was upset and set down to talk to her, he told her that she shouldn't let them make her feel bad, that she was a great person, and that this life was to make choices for ourselves, and that God was an all forgiving and understanding God.. He isn't a member of our faith but he has a clear understanding of how to be loving, supportive, and charitable. So after this opinion formed I am making a charge to myself that I will be much better at not judging, at understanding, and at just seeing people for who they are and not what I want them to be..