That's not what ships are for!

Sometimes when it comes to being Social I feel bi-polar. I go through these real dramatic stages where it's either one way or the exact opposite, no middle ground really. I do love being social and meeting new people most of the time. I like hanging out and trying new things. I absolutely love to laugh and make others laugh, it's my favorite. I love the sound of laughter it fills my soul with great joy. Laughter and waddling pregnant women wearing overalls lol. But sometimes I'm the exact opposite. The last 2 weeks I have been in a bit of a funk when it comes to being around people. I have done some stuff but not much. At the beginning of every new day I think about what I'm going to do that day after work of course, and then I think about that towards the end of the work day to see if I still fill up to the plans I made that morning in my head. And as of late all I've wanted to do is stay home. Which I actually love being alone as well, I still have just as much fun when I'm just chilling with myself. So these past 2 weeks that's pretty much what I've done. Monday I went to family home evening and oh my goodness.... I had fun and enjoyed talking to someone I really adore but besides that it was awful. It was so loud and people were just every where, and I didn't know half of them and felt EXTREMELY old! I did enjoy the lesson and I'm not really sure what was wrong with me. I normally enjoy it, I was just incredibly out of my comfort zone for some reason. Any way so the rest of this week what have I done you ask... Yep stay home and be content and happy with it. I think I could be a complete loner no problem and still be completely happy and satisfied with life. Until I was reading in the books Everyday Greatness, it has some cool stuff in it. I came across this quote in it( A ship in harbor is safe- but that is not what ships are for.) I have been thinking about that stinkin quote all day. I'm a ship... Yes I'm happy alone and content but that's not what life is for, I'm not going to progress or serve my purpose at home in my jammies. I think I should try to have more of a balance. I mean sometimes I do pretty good but then I get in ruts like the past 2 weeks. It's real funny I always wished I lived closer to my friends and people I go to church with so I can do more and now I do and I do nothing lol. I know that I can be a fun person to be around so I shouldn't deny the world of that right... haha
So tomorrow I'm going to go to the temple with a friend, Friday go to Lily's party then Jamie's going to spend the night, and Saturday after work I will hang out with dear old Dacus. So that's a start to getting back in balance, Worship, family, and friends...
Oh side note.. Lately I have had animal fever.. I've been wanting to get another pet. One that Butter's won't feel threatened by, eat, or sit on. I hate potty training dogs so a puppy is out, I could have an outside dog but I don't want to risk getting a digger, I thought about a cat but I hate litter boxes, I REALLY wanted a duck but was told it was a dumb idea lol. So I think I've decided that I want a Chinchilla, but I am going to try to wait till I get a few things paid for, and done.. Also I feel I'd need to be home even more if I had something new that I needed to take care of...
Well I'm off to stare at the back of my eye lids for 8 hours.. See ya!

Just a thought!

After church today I was talking to someone that is very important to me and someone who I love very much. Her life is heading in a new direction, and she is so happy. While talking to her I realized that there are somethings that I haven't felt in a long time. Then I started wondering since I haven't used them will they disappear? Like missing someone so much that it hurts, or experiencing pure bliss and excitement just hearing his voice. I have only experienced things like this once in my life but the pain and the happiness I think are 2 things that were so dominant that I'll never forget. When I say pain I mean the good pain the pain of loving to the point that it hurts. So continuing my thought, I haven't felt these feelings in ummmm a good 7 or 8 years. I haven't really even been excited about someone.Do those feelings return I wonder when another love comes along. Or did the real hurt and years of recouping damage my ability to feel those things. Cause what was first seen as a remarkable way to feel but oh then came the pain. Then came the screw him I don't even care.. A little more pain then the numbness. Then I think as the years go on it's like something you don't really think about but I think the numbness may of spread. Where the idea of being back love sick is revolting lol. OK so maybe this is a side you may not of seen from me. The bitter old future cat lady side lol. But seriously do those things come back or when one does fall in love again are they more cautious and guarded to the point that those things don't return. And if they don't that can't be fair to the other person.
I've also been thinking allot lately about patience and good news. There has been alot of friends and family having really good things happen to them. While I have too, but my good things haven't really been the good things I had hoped for but rather unseen or undesired good things which is good and I'm happy and feel I shouldn't complain. But I never really intended in staying here, in Memphis. I like it here and it is where my family is but I have a hard time seeing progression here. For others yeah but for me it seems like a dead end. But maybe it's a dead end because I have made it that'll way. And maybe it's not what I want. I do feel like I am to be here for a reason but I don't know what that reason is nor am I that excited about it. Patience is waiting, patience is having faith in God's plan, all of it not just His plan for you but the plan for the world. Impatience is thinking your plan is some how better then His.. Which I don't think that but I guess my actions would say that I do. It's like that commercial IT'S MY MONEY AND I WANT IT NOW. It's my life and I want to know now. But I have to admit I am having fun. I am enjoying this chapter in my life. I'm enjoying watching others in my life open doors to new chapters in theirs as well. I am so happy for allot of people I know that are having new possibilities and opportunities coming to them but yep that hideous natural man comes out and it's like what about me. What am I doing wrong? What do I need to do better? What am I not doing? In church today I was thinking about the promises the Lord has given us, He never specifically say's when nor how those promises will be fulfilled only that they will. That's very comforting to me actually. I think I can put my impatience on the back burner and have faith in that.. I know that it's true and I look back upon my life and see all the stinkin irony of how things turned out but ya know I actually wouldn't change one thing. Along this journey I have found many things including myself, I've developed stronger relationships with my Lord, with my family and with some good ole folks. I am content, and I am happy... I'm kind of excited to see life unfold not only for me but for those that I love. Sometimes I feel I get way more excited for others when they have good news then I do when I have some. I love to see dreams come true. I love to see possibilities unfold. I love to see people grow..

My take on emotions, inspired by the Great Brenna

I read a recent blog post by my friend Brenna about her take on emotions and why they are veiwed as bad and why people are scared of them. Emotions are real and healthy. While reading this I thought about how I deal with emotions. I am generally happy and satisfied most of the time but still filled with an abundance of emotions everyday. My entire life has been an emotional roller coaster. When I was growing up I didn't express how I felt ever.... I was always the listener and the go to person even at age 8 I remember my parents coming to me with their problems. When I got to be a teenager I was very angry. I was angry with my parents, with my brother and with the world. I would burry that feeling as much as I could but would often have very explosive outbursts when I could no longer run from things. When things hurt the only way I knew how to deal with it was either hold it in or let it out violently. Which is completely opposite of how I handle things now. I feel we need all emotions I think feeling sad is good and I think feeling happy is good and I agree with my good friend that faking your way through life by holding back your emotions would be one miserable way to live. I love to cry every once in a while. Although I hate crying in public cause I hate sympathy and feel way too vulnerable when I cry. But a nice cry fest in the privacy of my room is always a good feeling. Now in my life as things of different nature approach me I do try and see the bright side of everything instead of looking at all the bad. I think it's good to see the bad and be aware of it but as for me I can't focus on it. I become very reckless when I do. Anger is an emotion that I no longer allow myself to feel. When something upsets me I disect it. I actually disect and analyze everything to see all sides of it.. Because anger I feel is very healthy for some it is very destructive for me. I hate the feeling of anger it feels so out of control and just icky to me. I think it is so beautiful that we are all different. I love that we all deal with things differently and I believe that we should all not be afraid of who we really are not hide from it or run away. I realize I may sound hypercritical after saying I refuse to feel anger anymore then saying be who you are lol I wish to clarify that I no longer am tempted to feel angry it is an emotion I don't have any more. Ok so time to time I get frustrated but it's not the raw uncontrolable anger that I used to feel. And I actually enjoy being frustrated sometimes because it motivates me to change something. But back to anger because of the way I veiw things now anger never comes to light.I just don't let things effect me I realize that I have a choice on how I deal with them. And if I'm sad about something it's because I choose to feel that away but I take my time and am sad about it then move on.. And because of my way of dealing with things I find myself more in a happy state most of the time. But sometimes I want to be down about things or sad I like feeling different ways it makes me feel alive. But if there were a world full of happy go lucky people I think I'd take them all out lol how miserable would that be... Lately since getting into blogging and stalking others I have been able to see the insides and inter workings of others. It has made me fall in love with them. And recently others have opened up to me and allowed me to see sides I never have seen before. And Im just amazed at how beautiful they are and the dominant traits they have. It helps me realizes triats that I wish to develope more. I guess it's glorify and pick on Brenna night but how honest she is with not only everyone but with herself is just amazing. She doesn't seem to be afraid of herself one bit and that is a rare trait that I haven't seen in many people. Alot of people I think try to fit themselves into a mold to make others happy or to get noticed. But not Brenna she is who she is and thats all she trys to be and I love her for it. Then theres my brother who I've looked at lately in a different light. He has had many struggles in his life and I believe he still does but the beautiful thing about him is that even though he stumbles from time to time he never gives up he just keeps trying harder and harder. Then theres my best friend Rhett McDermott oh Mr McDermott. He is one of the most beautiful guys I know. I call him an alien because he is unlike anyone on this planet. He's always so positive and realistic at the same time. He encourages me to try new things and has been a rock for me through many hard times. He pocesses a different way of loving people. He's not one that is full of compliments he's rather quite when it comes to how he feels vocally. But his actions and his charachter show love so well. He is remarkable. It's really hard for me to describe all of his attributes that I love because there is so many. I love his honestly and integrity. Sometimes he is brutally honest and I LOVE IT! Lol so Ive been around the world with this post... I have felt like pooh all day because I have poison ivy taking over my body again. For most people they just get itchy but for me I get itchy and I feel awful, I have a fever and body chills with it and lose all energy it sucks... When I went into work this morning both of the Docs looked at me and said what is wrong with your face lol. Made me feel a little bit more like a pod person.. Then about noon this little girl came into my office and asked if she could tell me something I said sure and she said you are very pretty... That made me feel like a unique pod person lol.. I love kids.. So after feeling like pooh it's good just to sit back and let the thoughts and feelings flow... As for now I think I'm off to stare at the back of my eyelids for 8 hours!

Caution Extremely Explosive

I think maybe when you pray and work to obtain an attribute that the exact opposite comes to you first to see if you are really willing to work to obtain it. Like mentioned in my last post I have be seeking to obtain a greater love for people, life, myself, etc.. So I've been praying and trying to look at things differently. I feel like my efforts has created an adverse affect. An effect that is far from my normal character and even further from what I wish to accomplish. My frustration level is through the roof. Things that normally don't even have the slightest effect on me are bothering me. Last night I went to see some fireworks with the singles I go to church with. I love fire works! So I was happy very happy but then mid way into the festivities I wanted to create a new game called slap a Mormon.. This guy was not on my good graces, then when we were leaving the park there was this little girl standing there in front of her family looking up at the sky and this man came over to her, I'm guessing it was her dad, and grabbed her arm very harshly and started pulling her to the car she started screaming and crying and he began to yell shut up shut up while continuing to pull her. I could tell the little girl wasn't crying because she was in trouble but because she was scared out of her mind. I seriously wanted to choke him out. I could feel this rage building up in my body.. It seriously was crazy. Normally any behaviors I exhibited that are out of the norm for me I normally chop up to hormone over load or something related, but I really feel right now that it's a test. Like when you pray for patience you get trials sort of thing. I had to pray through my day today that this irritating feeling would leave me. I absolutely can't stand feeling like that, it makes me feel so out of control and ugly. It's not who I am nor who I want to become. I do feel better after a few prayers this afternoon. I'm just going to keep chugging along and working towards loving better.. I hope this doesn't last long though lol... Maybe it is hormones though who knows but this like everything else will not get the best of me. Maybe I should wear a caution sign though till this passes.. Caution extremely expolsive then add on to the sign to sweet to hurt a fly but I will kill you in my thoughts! lol oh dear...