She's got swagger! And by she I mean me!!

Sunday I was talking to an old old friend that I recently became reacquainted with, he said girl you got swagger.. I being old and out dated said what in the heck is swagger? I was informed that there's something about me that separates me from the rest, that my personality is contagious and makes people feel good.. Well even though I didn't completely understand this new age compliment, it still made me feel good. So I've been thinking about that compliment, and thinking about what makes me different. I know that I have the light of the gospel in my life, and because of that I know who I am. Last night at Zumba I felt so empowered and good. I was looking around the room at all of the beautiful people working out, there was so much energy. And I thought man all of these women appear to have swagger, there seems to be something special and contagious about each one of them... I'm pretty sure I was the only LDS member there. Then it hit me, all of those people at that very moment were believing in and loving themselves just the way they were.. And something I consider my greatest accomplishment in life, not only finding the Gospel and living it, but finding me and loving me.. So there you have it, that's where swagger comes from. It's so sad to me when people don't see how beautiful they are, especially women. Women to me are like angels, I know we are all different but we all have very tender and amazing qualities, and we put so much into everything we do, and everything we feel. We are creatures filled with so much passion and drive. So it kills me when we don't see how great we are and we don't love ourselves. I believe the Gospel of Jesus Christ helps us more fully see and understand who we are, so it makes it easier to love ourselves because we know we are beloved creations, and are each so very special. I'm thankful so thankful that I am sure of myself and know who I am, and I feel that it has added greatly to the happiness in my life. And as I pieced all of this together in my head I started looking around in my life, at the people I adore most, and I noticed a similarity, they all had swagger lol and all were very confident and self assured people. It's seriously contagious. As I think about them, I noticed that all of them have different lives, and different accomplishments, but most of them lead pretty simple and ordinary lives. So again it proved that it's not about what we have, or our pasts, our trials and challenges, but what we make of them. And it's all about continuing on with our heads held high and continuing to believe in ourselves, and knowing that this life is indeed what we make of it..

Gram Update!

I have 26 minutes left of work today.. I am done with all of my duties and the docs have left for the day.. So I've decided to blog the time away.. Gram got to go home from the hospital yesterday. The heart cath came back normal, so it appears her heart is doing just fine. They still were unable to get her blood pressure under control, but she went to her regular doctor today. They changed all of her medications, so we are hopeful that this will do the trick. I haven't talked to her since she left the hospital because I know she probably doesn't feel up to being on the phone, so my lovely aunts text me all updates. Since Gram's been sick, I've seen how well my family works together as a team, individually we can all be a little scatter brained and out there lol, but when one of us needs something we all rise to the occasion and do anything and everything we can. I'm so lucky to have been born into my family, they teach me what it really means to be a good person.. In other news on Friday I go to hang out with my friend Doug in Tupelo. I met Doug on an online dating site right after my relationship with Matt ended and right before I deleted my account.. So over online dating. Anyways, Doug is a nice guy, don't really know how I feel about him romantically, but I do really enjoy him as a friend. I've learned that I really don't want to rush anything, I really want to develop a friendship first, especially since it is someone I don't really know. So I have enjoyed how our friendship has grown over the last few months. And he's not one of those guys that feed you alot of crap haha, like obsessively complimenting, or flattering, so when he does compliment it feels more real. Anyway, so I'm not really excited about it yet but it should be fun! Well I'm going to cut out early..

Lesson Learned

Yesterday on the way home after work and after picking up my roomie from work, I received a call from one of my cousins saying my Grammy was on the way to the ER. My eyes swelled up with tears and I felt like I couldn't breathe. This women is and always has been my grandmother, mom, dad, best friend and my number one fan. The thought of anything bad happening to her devastates me. When I got home I cried and cried, I knew she was just having some chest pains but my mine went to the worse. I'm normally so good about being positive but it appears I have a weak spot. So I kept crying looking for comfort in my thoughts, it finally hit me, duh goofy you need to drop to your knees and lay it on the feet of The Lord.. He gave me the peace I needed and helped me see now was not the time to focus on me but to stand strong for her and. Everyone else... We do have such a loving father in heaven. So here I sit with my grams for night 2 in the hospital! It's not about what we feel but what we can do for others.. My grams is one of the most faithful loving women I know.. She's my fave!

The answer for me!!

As of late I have felt a bit broken and lost, not knowing really what to do know. My desires to marry and be a mom had finally arrived (I'm a late bloomer), but with that being no where in sight as of right now it was a bit painful. I didn't know what to do and was afraid to lose that desire and go back to just living for fun.. After much prayer, chats with the great Brenna McCree, forgiving, and healing, I have came to this.. Yeah I have that desire, and am no longer afraid to lose it, it's there embedded in my heart, my heart has been changed and my testimony of eternal salvation has been strengthened.. So it's there, and I have faith and know that Heavenly Father knows the desires of my heart, so I will continue to faithfully pray, hope, and wait. Till then it is my mission to make the most of every day.. To serve, to discover, to love, to grow, and really just to live... Striving each day to become better then the last.. I trust in the Lord and His plan for me, if those desires remain just that a desire, I am perfectly fine with it, because I know I still have a purpose here and in the eternities.. So cheers to finding my purpose and aligning my will with His.. I will pray and I will work! I feel so much better and so free now.. Stupid broken hearts haha, but I'm so thankful for all those bumps I've went through recently, I feel better and stronger because of them..

Thanksgiving happiness and some sadness

I love Thanksgiving! Mainly because it contains some of my favorite things, like cooking, good food and most importantly my family. It was a pretty normal thanksgiving, great food and company and me getting the kids all riled up lol. I was playing with the kids and I here my aunt say Jenny's on my team, I was inducted into gray Thursday shopping. Whoa what an experience.. It was so crazy, but I got 10 pairs of socks for 3 bucks yeh yeh! I'm not sure if I'll ever do that again but it was fun! Friday night we went to see catching fire, I really liked it. So my days off we're relaxing and enjoyable.. Sad part though was my brother called in tears cause his dog died. He'd had TJ for 12 years. It was so sad, my brother was so broken hearted. I feel like he is doing better. One thing I am thankful for is challenges, losses, and trials. They hurt so bad but in the end we become so much stronger, and wiser. Lately things have been really tough lately but I'd never trade the lessons I've learned.. They've truely changed me. Also I've remembered that the atonement is real when people hurt us a lot we often feel they can never change but because the Atonement is real we all can change and be forgiven. I mention this because after the fallen out with my brother I began feeling like he could and would never change. During the challenge of trying to forgive him I remembered he is a child of God, he is an imperfect child just like me, Heavenly Father loves him like he lives me and he believes in him just like He does me. When I talked to my brother Saturday I felt a change in him and felt such hope... I feel so bad that he lost his best friend but I'm so proud of how he's picking up his life. Anyways night night for now!!! Happy Thanksgiving....

Things will never be the same..

"A mind that has been stretched by a new experience can never go back to it's previous existence".. This quote was sent to me a few weeks ago by my good buddy Des.. I recently had fallen in love with what I thought was going to be my eternal companion and my future step children.. I do not wish to post about hurt feelings, or the he did he did not do, but I want to blog about the what now.. Before this experience I had always struggled with the desire to be married, it was like if it happens it happens but right now I'm happy and I'm living this life to the fullest YEH! This experience taught me that one can be so happy alone but there is a reason God commands His children to enter into the covenant of marriage, and I felt it! When you can care for and love someone else like that it multiplies that happiness.. So I was ready to be a wife and a mother.. I had made plans to move and he had bought a ring, so in my mind this was it!!! Cool huh! But it turned out it wasn't it, and that's ok, I've realized it was actually for the very very very very best but even though it didn't work out I wouldn't trade that experience for anything, because of what I learned.. So now that I have been changed by this experience, my mind and spirit has been enlightened, how in the world do I go back to just having fun and hanging out! What do you do when you've experienced something life changing but then have to go back to where you were.. I mean I am clinging to this new found knowledge and testimony with dear life, but I'm afraid I will loose it, I am afraid I won't have that desire anymore.. I'm afraid of forgetting all the lesson's life teaches us.. I don't want to and will not turn into one of those marriage wanting crazed mormon girls haha, and I'm not convinced that the lesson I learned was all about the importance of marriage. But I feel it was more so about understanding this life, and the purpose of it much more fully.. There is much more going on in this world then just the life of Jennifer Shea Kirkland... Everything we feel everything we experience has a purpose beyond our understanding.. I've changed my heart and my soul have changed not only by this experience I shared but by so many more, what do I do now is the question..I'm no longer content with just living for the fun times, and just for myself.. I want something more, I want to be something more, I want to love more and help more!! I'm not sure if this makes sense but it's a struggle of my heart as of late!

Recommitting to Blogging!

As of late I've have learned and experienced so much! I want to blog again to record these experiences and feelings. My second reason, is I love sharing and recording the things going on in my life and normally do that by using Facebook but I feel I need to use that less..On thing that struck me last week in church were the words and they still... It was said referring to people in the Phillipeans who recently experienced alot of tragedy, that even thought they lost everything they still served each other, and still picked up things and continued on. I have recently went through a few things that have been a bit devastating to me, and my initial reaction was to think and feel that people are just careless and nasty haha, but that made me feel either worse. But after hearing those words I was reminded that no matter what happens in our lives we should STILL, still believe, still move forward, still hope for a better life, still remain faithful.. It's important that we decide to let all of our experiences no matter what they are, shape us in a positive way... So no matter what I am choosing to be hopeful and faithful and not loose complete hope in humanity haha.. Last night I went with Lauren to see a band called MGMT, of man it was so horrible lol.. I realized that I have gotten so old.. I spent most of my time praying for those around me.. But least we took pretty pictures lol.. Well I haven't even put a dent in the massive thoughts and experiences haha but I am tired and need to put away some laundry.. Hopefully I will keep up my commitment...