Once again...

Once again it has been way too long since I've blogged, so those that actually read this I apologize because so much has happened in the last little while so there will be gaps for sure.. But there's one thing inparticular that brings me here today. It's an experience from yesterday. I'll start with a bit of back story. I recently got health insurance, in which I haven't had since I turned 17yrs old, I am now 32.. Well except for a brief period when I was 23, I had insurance through a job but it only lasted 3 months, so I didn't even get to use it. Since I now have insurance, I finally went to the doctor, well the female one, that's where I decided to start. So I went for a yearly exam at this one place and was treated oooo so horribly by the doctor, so I choose to get my records and go somewhere else after that. Going into this process I was already expecting a few issues, and the ones I was expecting I knew how they treated em and already decided to go with what would be reccommended. I have PCOS and a common treatment for that is to take birthcontrol pills, so I decieded to take them despite all the horror stories I've heard, I thought this will be more helpful then hurtful, oh was I wrong. I noticed I began to be really sensative about everything, but it wasn't noticable to the outside eye because I held back and tried to rationalize everything in my head before I over acted. Well that leads to yesterday, THE MOTHER OF ALL MELTDOWNS. I woke up feeling so funny, my insides were shaking and I started crying pretty much as soon as I woke up and it lasted till about 9 pm last night. I felt like I'd never felt before, I was extremely depressed, and etruely felt like I was going crazy... After hearing that phrase for years, working in a psychiatrist office, I always wondered what does it really mean to feel like your going crazy.. Well now I know, and it is not fun, you feel so out of control. I was waiting for the Doctor to call me back, but actually didn't hear back until this morning. Now that I'm caught up on the back story I will touch on what really touched my heart during this horrible horrible experience. My dear sweet boyfriend, texts me everyday before he turns in, and we text for an hour or 2 while I work and he winds down. Well when he texted yesterday, I kept saying to myself keep it together Jennifer, don't let him know that you feel like your seriously loosing it. But alas I'm so not good at holding in things sometimes, so when he asked the 3rd time Dear how are you? I lost it and blurted out I'm going crazy, I'm a horrible person, everyone hates me, I hate me and I want to die.. For those of you that do really know me you know this is so out of my character, cause I don't think I'm a horrible person nor would I ever want to end my life. This whole experience just backed up my therory of thinking that hormones really were created by Satan lol.. His reaction is what touched me so much. Guys often don't understand the things that females go through and they often down play them like it's not a big deal or they try to understand and your like ugh I don't pretend to know what it's like to be hit in the balls please don't pretend to know what it feels like to be a woman...... Anways he didn't do either one of those,instead he does what he always does and goes into team mode. In everything even in our individual stuggles he solves them as us being a team and working them out together. Peoples hearts are spoken to in many different ways but this is something that gets me everytime. Unconditional love is something Ive always been facinated with, and hoped that one day I'd be able to pocess it, never in my wildest dreams did I think someone would actually pocess it towards me. Yesterday I felt more then ever how much that man loves me and I know now more then ever that when he says Jenny Gurl I'll always be here for you, he really does mean it. I'm so happy that in 29 days I can hug him once again...